Blue Eyes

I broke up with Rover.

Breaking up may not be the best definition, because in order to "break up" you must be “together” at some point, which we never really were. Which is why we broke up. I guess I just need to call it a break up for lack of a better word.

Things have been going great with him the past few months… he calls me, we see each other, have a great time, etc. My feelings for him were growing stronger and stronger until one day I realized I was in love with him. (And he, when drunkish, would tell me he loved me as well—romantic, I know). But he does some really inconsiderate things like breaking plans with me habitually, which irks me. For the longest time, it only pissed me off—it didn’t hurt me. But lately, when I realized that I was completely head-over-heels-in-love with him, it began to hurt.

So I made the decision that, to save my heart, we needed to end things. And now my heart is broken anyway.

I’m wondering if maybe I made a big mistake. Or is that just “Break Up Remorse?” When I broke up with Stavros, I didn’t have that remorse. I knew it was the right thing to do and it was for the good of all involved. I never once had a second thought about it, and I was with the guy for over four years. But the minute that I started the conversation with Rover, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Suddenly I have a thousand things I want to say to him. Our days have always been sprinkled with funny emails and text messages back and forth and I miss that. He’s always been good for a laugh or a supportive comment when things weren’t going well. He’s a fantastic movie partner and I adore going to hockey games with him. Or going anywhere with him.

Sounds a lot like we were “together,” huh? Suddenly it sounds that way to me, but there were never any definitions and we had no exclusivity agreement.
Thinking through it now, I think what I wanted most from him was a definition. I didn’t need any more time commitments from him, cause neither of us have the time to give anyway. I just wanted to have a label and a little exclusivity. Why the hell didn’t I just ask him for that? Instead of asking for what I wanted, I think out of fear of not getting it, I ended things instead.

God I miss him.